Accidental Jerk

The importance of having one's feelings understood and validated from an emotional level is just as important as having words to live by. Otherwise focusing only on sage advice could make us accidental jerks. I find myself learning this from an unlikely source - Oliver Tree.

#Memior #Thisisreal

Headline image source: Kat Jane

As my family knows all too well, I LOVE Oliver Tree! I’m often blasting his music while I cook, while I drive, while I walk or even while I chill. Oliver Tree is a singer-songwriter, producer, rapper, comedian, and filmmaker.

To say that I’m obsessed doesn’t reflect how much I admire him. He is wise beyond his years with stories of how to live life told visually and vocally in the most humorous way possible, by taking on a persona of a spoiled – yet very talented – singer with grandiose visions of himself and life.

One of my favorite songs on his latest album, Ugly is Beautiful, is “Jerk." In the Storyline section of his Spotify page, he writes:

“I think we’ve all met a jerk or two. We’ve all met people that we hope we never see again. [But] it’s important to also understand that we’ve been that jerk at some point in our lives.”

I laugh because I pride myself in always trying to be a model person, striving to be the best manager, co-worker, direct-report, mom, wife, daughter and friend. But even I’ve been that jerk sometimes.

This came into focus recently when I got into a fight with my mom. Fights really aren’t my thing. For some people, they like the banter that takes place and the passion of opinions going back and forth, sometimes leading to raised voices that turn into anger and shouting. But for me, it’s emotionally draining (though I’ve recently come to the conclusion that lively debating [aka fighting] is necessary to come to a resolution at times).

Towards the end of the fight, my mom was shouting, my husband was upset, I was crying, and my aunt was silent trying not to be caught in the crossfire. Then my mom left my house abruptly even though my son’s fifth birthday was only two days away. I guess it was my mom’s way to stick to me and also gain some space for her own sanity.

To calm and center myself, I sought help by phoning a couple relatives to tell them about what happened and to find an emotional ally – someone who would understand what I was going through and comfort me, perhaps give me a hug and stroke my back from miles away through the telephone lines. Instead, I was met with prudent advice on how to see the situation from all sides, which meant that I couldn’t just cry about how I felt. I also had to see my mom’s side. This left me in a tizzy because it’s not what I needed!

But I couldn’t blame my relatives. They were giving me advice out of love, and part of loving someone is helping you to see beyond your situation and giving you the tools to navigate the minefields of life. For example, the quarrel between my mom and I may have escalated because my mom felt she was put on the spot, or I was looking for empathy at a level she couldn’t give because she had a hard life. These are important lessons to learn. They will help me understand my mom better and also help me with other relationships as I go through life.

I love and thank my relatives dearly for this. But what about my inner sprit? My inner sprit - who was so hurt by my mom’s shouting and dismissiveness of my feelings - completely disagrees! My inner spirit is standing with her heels dug in, one hand on her waist and the other hand pointing a finger at my relatives, and shouting, “what I need right now is a Caretaker and not a Sage!!!”

In marketing, there are brand archetypes that express a company’s traits and ways of connecting to their customers. Two of those personas are Caregiver and Sage.

Graphic source: Map and Fire

The Caregiver’s focus is on service showing traits of altruism, compassion, patience, or empathy. The Sage, on the other hand, invokes wisdom with characteristics of understanding, intelligence, truth seeking, or clarity.

My inner spirit clearly wanted a Caregiver because, at that moment, I just wanted a shoulder to cry on and know that someone was on my side, emotionally speaking. As I sat crying after the conversations with my relatives, Oliver Tree’s wise words – “…we’ve been that jerk at some point in our lives” – trickled down upon my thoughts as I felt the pain of not being understood or validated.

Then, I painfully recalled a time that I too played the role of a Sage instead of a Caregiver to one of my best friends. It was about five years ago when a good friend of mine and I decided to go to Napa for a girl’s weekend. We planned on going to wine tastings, getting massages, and indulging in the culinary delights of the region. On our second day there, we were driving to lunch when she revealed that her boyfriend was working on something a bit unsavory, nothing illegal just something that was generally not accepted at the time.

My reaction to the news was a Sage-like standpoint on how his work could impact her life and career, and that she needed to think deeply about her choices. Nowhere in the conversation did I play the Caretaker, that person that listened to the excitement in her voice when she talked about him. That enthusiasm about meeting someone she really connected with, someone that she cared about, and someone she could see her future with. I was trying to be a good friend by giving solid advice that will help her positively wade through life. But at the same time, I was an accidental jerk to her.

I was a jerk because I was forcing her to suppress her emotions and look at the situation rationally in real time. I’m not saying that being sensible or seeing things from all sides is wrong, but where I failed was not allowing her to express and experience her excitement before quickly schooling her.

For me, I felt wounded by my mom’s harsh words and reaction and felt that no one was there to help bandage my wounds. What I needed was a little tender loving care, not wise words to live by. It’s like if I chose to jaywalk, accidentally tripped and got a big gash on my arm. The first thing to do is to help get me out of the street and tend to the wound, not lecture me on the dangers of jaywalking.

By focusing on imparting lessons instead of tending to my soul, my emotional needs were not met and furthermore I felt guilty for having hurt feelings in the first place, making me sink lower into my hole.

It took this fight with my mom to realize that Oliver Tree is right, that we are all jerks sometimes even accidental ones.

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Adelina Elo is the creator and writer for Successfully Trying, a blog housing her creative writing and memoirs. Adelina, a marketing communications strategist by trade, has always wanted to be a writer but was too afraid to do it. Now as a mother of two she wants her children to find their way in life through self-exploration and the act of doing without the fear of failing. To serve as an example for her kids, she created Successfully Trying.