Seeds of Doubt: (Re)defining Success – Part 1 of 3

How we define success translates to the values we want to impart on our children. Here, I share my first definition of success by looking back at my high school years and how - with my mom's help - I dealt with seeds of doubt.

#ThisisReal #Memior

Headline image source: Gelgas Airlangga

As a mom of two, I look at my children and wonder what their lives will become when they grow up. Will they live healthy lifestyles? Will they make life-long friends? Will they find their soulmate? Will they travel the world? And yes, I also ask the question, will they be successful?

It’s difficult to define exactly what success is, but one of my first interpretations came when I was in high school. As a sophomore, I loved school. I loved learning, seeing my friends and having my own space outside of my home. So, it wasn’t out of the norm for me to have an interest in being part of the student council because it meant that I could participate in more school activities. Yes, I was nerd (and proud of it!)

When the annual elections came, I was eying the Awards Commissioner seat whose job was to give speeches at awards ceremonies and hand out trophies to the talented scholars and athletes at my high school.

I remembered the day that I decided on which position that I wanted to go for. I was in my music class, sitting next to a classmate (and close family friend), when I proudly told him, “Guess what? I’m running for Awards Commissioner!”

His response, was unfortunately, lack luster. “What? You’re running for that? You know that so and so is running for the same position and she’s a junior, a quite popular junior. I don’t think you’ll win.”

These soul-crushing words hit my ears and directly planted a seed of doubt in my mind. I thought, “he’s right, what am I thinking? I’m just a lowly sophomore. I don’t even know a lot of people. I’ll probably lose.”

The music class was only fifty minutes, but the clock that day seemed to tick slowly while I ruminated on my classmate’s words over and over and over again. This continued the rest of the school day, through the walk home, during dinner and into the night. It lingered in my mind even though I tried hard to push it away.

Two days after the conversation, I was still thinking about it while sitting next to my mom helping her make lumpias (Filipino spring rolls). She could sense that something was wrong because I was quiet and had ripped several of the lumpia wrappers, which was uncharacteristic of her Type-A daughter.

“What’s wrong anak (child in Tagalog)?” my mom asked me. I didn’t answer right away because I was in my own world where that little seed of doubt that my classmate planted had grown into a small, yet healthy seedling now. It had pushed through the earth in my mind, watered by my worries and fertilized with negative self-talk about an event that hadn’t even happened yet.

As many Filipino mother’s do when they aren’t heard, my mom asked the question again but in a harsher tone while clapping her hands to break my pensive trance in an effort to get my attention.

Hearing the sudden noise, I sat up in shock and shouted, “What? What do you want?”

My mom had a more serious tone than before because she spoke straight Tagalog to me. “Oye, ano ang iniisip mo? Sobrang tahimik mo dyan (while pointing her lips towards me)! Parang malungkot ka.”

English translation: “Hey, what are you thinking about? You’re so quiet over there (while pointing her lips towards me)! You seem so sad.”

I took a deep breath before I spoke because I was unsure of myself and ashamed of how I was feeling, but I shared my thoughts with my mom none the less. I walked her through how excited I was about the prospects of running, how I felt crushed by my classmate’s words, how I’ve been thinking about it ever since it happened and that I had not yet put my name in the hat for the election.

After hearing my tale, my mom’s crinkled forehead and sharp, worried eyes softened, she reached out to me, put an arm around my shoulder and said, “Huwag kang makinig sa kanya. Ano ang alam niya? Masasabi ba niya kung anong mangyayari?”

English translation: Don’t listen to him. What does he know? Can he tell the future?”

Then she asked, “Gusto mo bang gawin ito, tumakbo para student council?

Taglish translation: Do you want to do this, run for student council?

I answered, “Yes! But I’m afraid to lose.”

My mom responded wisely and said, “Kung hindi mo subukan, talo ka na! Mas mahusay na gawin ito at malaman, kaysa hindi gawin ito at hindi alam.”

English translation: If you don't try, you've already lost! It's better to do it and know, than to not do it and never knowing.”

Those encouraging words left my mom’s lips, seeped through my ears and into the world of my mind’s eye – there I was facing doubt again and realized that I had a choice. I could listen to my classmate or I could try running. Both of us wouldn’t know the outcome of the election, but I could control whether I take a brave step forward and try, just try.

The next day, I put on my proverbial gardening gloves, pulled up that seedling of doubt, and put my name in the hat for the Awards Commissioner seat!

I took a further step and rallied my friends who were in drama and choir classes and came up with a skit for the speeches before the election. I was so excited; things were coming together.

There would be two assemblies in order to get the full student body to hear the candidates. For the Awards Commissioner role, I would be up first. “And our first candidate for this seat, is Addie (my nickname),” I remember the student body president saying as he flagged me towards the podium. I smiled, stood up slowly and…then…that feeling of doubt came over me again.

A rush of thoughts came to mind, “What? How could this be? Didn’t I pull up that seed of doubt by taking the step towards running? Why am I still thinking about this? What am I going to do now? Can I escape? No, you can’t walk away now, it’s go time!”

I took a deep breath, walked to the podium and motioned my friends to join me. Once they arrived at the podium, I nervously began my speech - a play on soulful sermons.

“Hello, my name is Addie,” which was followed by loud soulful praises of “Hallelujah” from my friends. This made the crowd burst into pleasurable laughter.

I then said, “I’m running for Awards Commissioner.” My friends yelled “Amen!” There were “Amens” coming from the crowd as well.

This went back and forth throughout my speech and at the end I said, “please vote for me” while my friends sang a gospel song. The whole assembly room started clapping with more “Amens” and “Hallelujahs” before I left the podium.

Honestly, I can’t remember how long I had to wait until the election results came out. It could have been days or just hours after the election speeches. But I do remember that doubt lingered from the end of my speech and all the way through the time that I and the other candidate were called in the room to find out.

The teacher announced, “For Awards Commissioner…Addie won! Congratulations!” The other candidate gracefully hugged me and congratulated me as well. I stood there stunned, but also grinning from ear to ear.

I look fondly at this time not because I won, but because I tried! Don’t get me wrong, everyone wants to win, including me. But winning against the other candidate isn’t why I go back to this story as a source of success in my life. I go back to it to remember that no matter how much others doubted me or how much I doubted myself, I didn’t accept defeat before the vote. Guided by my mom’s wise words, I tried despite the doubts – and that is a definition of success I want my kids to know.

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Adelina Elo is the creator and writer for Successfully Trying, a blog housing her creative writing and memoirs. Adelina, a marketing communications strategist by trade, has always wanted to be a writer but was too afraid to do it. Now as a mother of two she wants her children to find their way in life through self-exploration and the act of doing without the fear of failing. To serve as an example for her kids, she created Successfully Trying.