Theranos Part Deux? #Satire #NOTrealbutrealfunny
- Adelina Elo
- Mar 19, 2020
- 2 min read
Updated: Apr 16, 2020
Amid a lack of lab and testing centers, Elizabeth Holmes – former CEO of the now-defunct Theranos – has come out of obscurity to present new technology for testing coronavirus (COVID-19). I met with her today to learn more about it.
Me: “Miss Holmes…”
Holmes: “Stop, call me Lizzy”
Me: “Lizzy, it’s exciting to hear that you’ve found a new method of testing for COVID-19. Could you walk us through your process?”
Holmes: “Testing for COVID-19 isn’t really a big black box. The World Health Organization found that there are three genetic components of the proteins that stud the virus. My team is developing a way to look for those components IRT. Our plan is to easily collect, test, and provide results onsite.”
Me: “Interesting, how exactly are you going to do that considering that collection centers, while growing, aren’t available everywhere?”
Holmes: “It’s easy, we plan to be mobile. Through some private angel funding, my grandmother, we’ve been able to buy an old taco truck. We are in the mist of retrofitting it into a modern healthcare facility on wheels.”
Me: “Oh my, tell me more.”
Holmes: “We also plan to simplify the sample collection process. Right now, healthcare professionals insert a long, Q-tip like swab through a patient’s nose to reach the nasopharyngeal area to gather cells.
It’s quite uncomfortable for the average person. So, we’ve made it even easier. We just have patients take a finger (left or right finger…it doesn’t matter), stick it up their nose, wiggle it in reeeeeeally good, and then smear their finger into a test tube.”
Me: “So, you want people to pick their nose?”
Holmes: “Of course, it’s quite a natural act. We are a firm believer in organic methods.”
Me: “And then what?
Holmes: “Well, this is where the real magic happens. We can rapidly test the sample in our revolutionary devised that is in our taco truck…um, I mean mobile testing center.”
Me: “What does the devise look like?”
Holmes: “It’s a rectangle-shaped minilab. You put the sample into a cartridge and place it into the unit. And voila, you get a positive or negative result!”
Me: “Wait a minute. So, you’re saying that the unit has the capacity of a full-sized lab?”
Holmes: “Yes.”
Me: “But in a box?”
Holmes: “Yes, a black one.”
Me: “Ok, this sounds like you’re creating a big black box. Isn’t this just like the Edison – the Theranos testing device you created before?”
Holmes: “Technically yes, but it’s not the same because we are calling it the Edsel.”
***Disclosure: This interview is meant to be satirical writing, not real news***
Adelina Elo is the creator and writer for Successfully Trying, a blog housing her creative writing and memoirs. Adelina, a marketing communications strategist by trade, has always wanted to be a writer but was too afraid to do it. Now as a mother of two she wants her children to find their way in life through self-exploration and the act of doing without the fear of failing. To serve as an example for her kids, she created Successfully Trying.